This game is more for unmarried men but anyone can play it. Next time you’re waiting for the train and the one going in the other direction pulls in, know that you have to choose a wife out of whoever comes out. You can’t divorce her and you guys have to have sex at least three times a week for the rest of your life. If you haven’t chosen one by the time everyone exits the platform you will be single forever and you can’t have sex with anyone, ever. There is some controversy over whether you should choose a guy at this point because people in prison seem to think it’s better than nothing. I’ll leave it up to you. Just understand that once they walk past you, they are gone forever. You have to choose them before they pass and there’s no take-backs.
Some can’t handle the pressure and choose the first all-right looking woman they see. Others like to live life on the edge and will let some cute ones go by assuming there’s better ones to come. It’s like blackjack in that sense. One time I was playing it with David Choe and he got a perfect stunner right out the gate. I held out until the last few stragglers and ended up being forced to take a very fat grandma with a cane. When David saw what my hubris had wrought he yelled, “IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!” in my fucking face.
Sometimes you’ll choose one early just to be safe and the perfect woman will walk by (not just hot but you can tell by her clothes, you guys would be good buddies). If you’re really into the game, you’ll get tourettes about it and involuntarily say “Fuck” at the one who got away. Also, if she’s hot but corny and wearing gross shoes don’t be too proud of yourself. You guys are going to be miserable. It’s not just about hotness. You’re choosing a mate.
Once you’re on the train you can play it again. You have to choose which woman you want forever before the next stop and you can only use the car you’re in. You can’t walk around either. It’s only who you can see from where you’re standing. If your friend calls her first, you can’t have her. Try not to point at women and yell, “Called it” or “I get her.” It’s rude. Just a casual, “red jacket and glasses” to your competitor will do.
You can play it by yourself or compete with friends. If you’re walking around the city, start at the corner of one block and know you have to choose a wife by the time you get to the next corner. If you ever see a guy clench his fists and yell “SHIT” by himself on a street corner, you’re probably looking at someone who waited until the end of the block and ended up sexless for life. You can only do this once per outing though. Starting from scratch every block takes the suspense out.
This game is obviously co-ed but I’ve noticed women kind of shrug when they play it and go, “I’ll take him, I guess.” This is either because women aren’t as competitive as men or maybe men are kind of gross and women aren’t that jazzed about having to marry us in the first place.
-GAVIN McINNES